Up All Night- The Growing Prysocks

My wife will finally be coming home tonight. I leave for Baltimore to pick her up in a couple of hours. I will now provide a retrospective on my week as a bachelor.

When I started my job last fall, I had to be out of town for a week on two different occasions. For one of those occasions, Steph's mom was here to help set up our new place. For the second one, Steph was here by herself. She'll tell you about how it was very hard for her to sleep and she became nocturnal. She has also said in the past that having Beesly around the house makes things better. Even though she's a dog, she helps to make the house seem less quiet and empty.

I heard her talk about all of these things and I took her word on it, but I didn't really understand. After this week I see how different it is to be the one left behind. When I was gone away, I was distracted by the training and getting to eat out on the company dime. Staying behind is different because I'm going through my normal routine, but it's not normal because my better half is away. Obviously, I missed Steph when I was away, but being left at home makes it all the more noticeable that she's far away and I miss her. And it does make a difference having Beesly around. She makes the place seem less lonely and also gives me something to interact with other than the TV. She can also be pretty entertaining. For example, in the middle of writing that last sentence she jumped in my lap and put her head on the keyboard in an attempt to get me to pet her. In the process she almost ruined everything and deleted this post.

Another reason that being apart is difficult is that we're used to doing almost everything together. We share a lot of experiences so it's weird for us to be in different places doing different things. That's one reason why I chose to write this blog for the week. I did this because I wanted to share my experiences at home and also show Steph how much I miss her. This has also been a really great outlet for my boredom and low grade insanity in the absence of my lovely wife.

I know that some of you may be disappointed that this week is ending, but I just can't write this high-quality material every day and spend time with my wife. However, I have good news for you (but not necessarily for me). Steph will be away again in May, so I'll be a temporary bachelor again.

Here's what you have to look forward to in Man vs. Bachelorhood: Round Two:

1. Over two weeks of bachelor-related blogging
2. Excessive use of the word "fortnight" (see above)
3. Nerdy references
4. Personification of inanimate objects
5. Movie reviews
6. Commentary on movies/tv shows/culture/life
7. Rants (potentially about something trivial)
8. Links (links?) to random internet content
9. Lists of arbitrary length

Obvious song choice of the day: "Come Home" by OneRepublic

We need to talk about honey badgers. I mentioned them in a list on Day Five, but a passing mention will not suffice, so I am revisiting.

If you watched that video, you will see a honey badger go up against a monitor lizard. A monitor lizard. That's basically mini-dinosaur. And the honey badger EATS THE MINI-DINOSAUR'S HEAD.

So for those of you who didn't watch the video, or if you just want to hear my description of the honey badger, I will now attempt to put into words what exactly this monstrosity of an animal is. A honey badger is basically a mix of a skunk, a ferret, a velociraptor, a bear, and PURE EVIL.

Now watch this video.

The honey badger is so named because it eats honey, right? Well that's true, but as you see in this video, the honey badger breaks into a hive of bee, BEES mind you, and goes for the LARVA. It's not just satisfied with the bee's bodily by-product, it eats the BABY BEES. Do you know what that's like? This is what it's like. The honey badger wakes up in the morning and gets a bowl of cereal, but milk isn't good enough! The honey badger says, "I don't want just milk in my cereal, I want RAW VEAL in my cereal." That's what it's like. That's how evil and hardcore the honey badger is.

Everyone knows that snakes are evil. As Bill Engvall says, "They can move, but they ain't got no legs. That's not right." Well if snakes are evil, then what about the animal that EATS SNAKES?? In the later part of that video, the honey badger STEALS FOOD FROM A SNAKE. It just walks up and jacks a fresh kill right from in front of the snake's mouth. The nerve! The snake is all mad and says, "Say fool, that's my dinner!" And the honey badger says, "Shut up, snake or I will bite your face!" So when the honey badger is done eating the snake's meal IN FRONT OF the snake, it goes over and EATS THE SNAKE'S HEAD! Just eats it's head!

But that's not all!

The snake did get in a lucky hit, so now the honey badger is poisoned. No big deal, the honey badger just takes a quick nap. It was pretty full from eating the stolen meal and the snake head anyway. The honey badger wakes up and thanks its lucky stars for barely surviving that snake venom and decides to cut its losses and run off to safety, thankful just to be alive.

NO!

The honey badger wakes up and thinks, "Man, that was a nice little rest, but I'm still hungry." And then it EATS THE REST OF THE SNAKE before continuing its relentless reign of terror across Africa.

The bottom line is that YOU DO NOT CROSS A HONEY BADGER OR IT WILL BITE OFF YOUR FRIGGIN FACE AND END YOU!!!!

I will leave you with this video, which sets various honey badger footage to an Offspring song. Watch, enjoy, and good luck sleeping tonight!

Emo "missing you" song of the day, whose lyrics don't all apply: "If You're Gone" by Matchbox Twenty because my wife is gone and she does need to come home

P.S. I would like to thank MUTEMATH for pointing out this overlooked threat on their Facebook page earlier in the week.

In an effort to be productive and responsible today, I decided to catch up on the laundry. The problem is that this is an unfamiliar task for me. I've grown quite used to the hard work that Steph puts into getting the laundry done. I often come home to clean, folded laundry on my side
of the bed, waiting to be put away. What happens from the time I put it in the basket until it shows up on the bed is a mystery to me. What witchcraft does Stephanie use to make the laundry go from dirty and crumpled to clean and neat??

I decided to investigate to see what could be done to solve this problem. After exploring the apartment in greater depth, I stumbled upon a closet that I hadn't notice before containing a very strange contraption.

Given how ominous and foreboding this thing looks in that picture, you can imagine my trepidation in attempting this task. I mean what does this thing do?? How does it work?? I decided that the lower part was some sort of mixing device. Various ingredients are shaken together vigorously to form a brew of chemicals that clean the clothes. The clothes are then placed in this concoction and allowed to sit for a time while tiny cleaning insects, created in the mixing process, scour the clothes of all dirt and foreign particles. The clothes, still soaked with the now dead insects are then placed in the upper container. The machine then spins at a supersonic rate, approaching even the speed of light. The spinning creates a black hole, through which the clothes are pulled. The clothes are then rigorously cleansed by alien gnomes and sent back to the machine where they come out clean and dry.

At least.....that's my guess. I'm basing this theory on the amount of noise that comes from that closet. Either way, the clothes are now clean. I definitely respect Steph even more for the hard work she does to miraculously get the clothes clean.

Let the above contents of this post show the detrimental effects of being without one's better half for too long.

Lonely and going insane song of the day: "Mr. Lonely" by Bobby Vinton

Men Who Stare at Goats was silly, as expected. It wasn't quite as funny as I was hoping, but it did have some high-class actors in it. I was actually surprised at how many big actors it had. I think the funniest part about it was having Ewan McGregor as the main character when they're talking about Jedi's and using special powers. IRONY.

There were even some good minor actors as well. It had this guy who is now recently famous as the bad guy in Avatar. And also, this guy who's in Friday Night Lights. What a coincidence!! Like I said it was good, but I'm glad I watched it through Netflix and not in a theater since it wasn't that good. I checked this site that analyzes your Netflix account and currently I'm spending approximately 25 cents per rental. So yeah, it was worth at least 25 cents. I might even be generous and say 75 cents.

Let's talk about sweet tea. Not having access to quality sweet tea is one serious drawback to living farther north. We also don't have Blue Bell up here, which is an entirely different issue. I can't talk about that right now, it'll make me upset. So back to the sweet tea. I was out in the city and I decided I was thirsty so I stopped at McDonald's to try their sweet tea. Surprisingly, it was quite good. It's not the best, but it's still pretty good. In fact, it makes the top three of my list of acceptable, quality sweet teas. Here's the list:

1. Chicken Express
2. McAlister's
3. McDonald's

Actually that's the whole list, so being in the top three isn't that big of a deal.

And guess what, I'm not even done talking about sweet tea. The past few days have been rough. I'm really trying to give McDonald's sweet tea a chance, but the delicate first stages of this relationship has been very rocky. A few days ago I decided I was thirsty so I swinged (swanged? swung?) stopped by McDonald's on the way home. I had finished with work early that day and after I quenched my thirst with a couple sips I decided to save the rest to have with dinner. The predicament is that I didn't want the ice to melt so I put it in the freezer, otherwise you get watered down sweet tea and that's just not acceptable, even for third string. As I was going to bed I remembered that I had left it in the freezer and sure enough, it was frozen solid.

Crap.

I decided to try to recover it by putting it in the fridge overnight and let it thaw slowly and hopefully still prevent watering down. When I finally remembered it again, two days later, it was all watery and kinda gross. I drank it anyway since it seems wasteful to just throw away $1.06 worth of third-rate tea.

Still not done blogging about sweet tea.

After that whole debacle I learned my lesson, right? Oh no, same thing happened the next day. I got tea on the way home from work and the next morning I opened the fridge to get out the icing for my cinnamon rolls, and there it was. Staring me in the face. Judging me. "You left me here all night just to sit and ruin? Why can't you just remember to drink me during dinner? Do I mean that little to you?" (I hadn't said anything about being #3, and I'm glad because it surely would have just made things worse.)

Tonight, I finally remembered to drink the tea I bought for dinner at dinner. I hope my shaky relationship with McDonald's sweet tea can start to recover from here. This is going to be really important as long as I'm so far from Texas.

In yesterday's news, I received a card from my amazing wife documenting her adventure! It only covered the airplane trip, but it was good to finally hear from her. She's been so off the map that she just today found out I've been blogging since she left. But her being out of the loop is a good thing because it means she's been having fun. I also got to talk to her on the phone today which was much needed. Of course getting to talk to her just means I miss her even more, and it makes me pretty jealous of all the fun she's having in Seattle.

Take that sappyness (blogger put a squiggly red line under that, but I'm keeping it because I like how it looks better than sappiness) and combine it with the ridiculous amounts of text devoted to sweet tea and I think I have the ideal song for the day.

Mellow, drink-related song of the day: "The Drink In My Hand" by The Classic Crime

Friday Night Lights ruined my sleep last night. It was the typical situation, you watch an episode and it's really good and then you have to watch the next one. Repeat about 10 times and before you know it, you've finished that last half of the season and it's two in the morning. What happened was that I decided to take Steph's laptop to bed so I could watch episodes instantly with Netflix. My thought was that I would get too sleepy to watch after an episode or two, which is what usually happens. Honestly, it's hard to sleep with Steph away. There's no real specific reason why her absence makes it harder to sleep, that's just how it is. But I'll talk more about that in another post.

I can really only blame myself for not getting to sleep. I knew it would be tough with Steph being gone, but watching the show just exacerbated the problem. Having TV shows available instantly is really dangerous to begin with for many reasons. In fact, if I were to make a list of things that are dangerous, this is what it would look like, in no particular order:

1. Ninjas
2. Assassins
3. Ninja assassins
4. A massive pile of unguarded, free cookies and/or cake
5. Bears
6. Instant, unfettered access to high quality programming
7. Chuck Norris
8. Honey badgers
9. Free bacon
10. Texting while driving

This is what I have realized, cable is not all it's cracked up to be. In retrospect I see how cable can be used just to mindlessly fill the time. When I used to sit down to watch TV just for a little while or during a meal, I'd watch something that I only kind of liked. I would flip through channels and find the show that I most wanted to watch out of what was on our available channels. Of course "I most wanted to watch" can also mean "sucked the least." But when you can watch just the shows you really want to watch, you get sucked in like I did. At the rate I've been watching Friday Night Lights, I will probably finish the three available seasons within a week. Maybe more if they were on Netflix.

Tonight's movie: Men Who Stare At Goats
Prognosis: Silly

For dinner I'm having another store brand pizza, just regular cheese this time. I won't be able to "add pizazz to pizza night with this sassy southern recipe!" like last time. Hey, I can't eat like a king every night.

Self-loathing song resulting from lack of sleep: "All by Myself" by whichever of many cover artists you prefer

I'm writing this blog post on Sunday evening after a very busy and packed Sunday. My schedule today was so busy, in fact, that one might be led to believe that I'm writing this on Monday and forgot to write it yesterday. I mean, today. Whatever, don't judge me.

So my weekend has been a complicated mix of playing Assassin's Creed and watching Friday Night Lights, with occasional breaks to take Beesly out and sleep. Were I to make a pie graph of my time spent this weekend, the sleep would probably be the smallest slice.

At least that's how it's been so far, since it's still Sunday and the weekend isn't completely over yet. I can hear you judging me!

Let's talk a bit about Friday Night Lights since I have a strange premonition that I'll be watching much more before this weekend is over. The weekend which I am still in since it's Sunday and not Monday.

I've watched quite a bit of Friday Night Lights today, which is not the kind of show I typically watch. Steph has subtly suggested once or twice that I give this show a try. And by that I mean that Steph has insisted many many times that I watch it and that it's amazing.

I hesitate to say this in a public forum....but she's right. I'm not probably one of the least athletically inclined guys that I know and I don't usually get into purely dramatic shows, but I'm already emotionally sucked in. Her are some reasons why I love this show, most of which I pretty much stole from Steph:

I like action movies and so the actual sports part of sports movies is always fun for me. I honestly expected more football footage and emphasis on the games. There's still plenty of that, but it's really geared more towards all the drama surrounding football. I like how the show maintains a good balance between the drama and the football.

The way it's filmed seems much more like a documentary than a cheesy sports flick. It just makes it seem so much more real and it brings out the more dramatic parts. The writing and the cinematography work together to give a sense of being very honest and almost intimate. If we're real honest one town wouldn't have all this drama all at once. There's also a very good balance of drama and humor.

Probably the greatest thing about this show (and Steph would agree) is the characters, especially the coach and his wife. It seems to be rare to find a relatively accurate depiction of a healthy and functional married couple. Coach Taylor has has many admirable qualities as a husband and as a man. He also has many qualities as a father that I would hope that I'll possess. I'd like to watch this show again if I have a teenage daughter to get some tips on how to handle it all.

Finally, it reminds me of Texas. I never thought I'd miss Texas as much as I do and this show just makes me even more proud to be from Texas (not that the characters are always honorable).

Judging by how much I've gone on about a TV show and blown all of yesterday today watching TV and playing video games, I think the most appropriate song for today is one by Styx. For the record, I find Styx to be quite underrated. They're probably known best for their song Mr. Roboto which is admittedly pretty odd, but that's how I roll. My favorite of theirs is "Come Sail Away" which I find to be profoundly epic.

Sadly appropriate and relevant song for Sunday and this weekend: "Too Much Time On My Hands" by Styx

Saturday is usually pancake Saturday, which is one of our newer traditions. I missed it this morning, and I'm sure Beesly did too since she always gets treats from it. It would have been much worse if I hadn't been so graciously provided with an abundance of breakfast goods.

So following up from last night, it turns out that the main character was technically a ninja who assassinates people, and not necessarily one who specializes in assassinating ninjas. In fact the main dude was a ninja who was being pursued by people who wanted to assassinate him, who also happened to be the same ninjas that the main dude trained with. So it had somewhat of a Jason Bourne vibe. A more accurate title would have been "Ninja Assassination" or "Ninja Assassins." I think they were just trying to make an interesting movie title by putting two awesome words together, like "Pirate Zombies" or "Robot Gladiator" or "Chuck Norris Deathmatch." If a major studio wants to use any of those little gems, just remember me and send me a cut.

So I've been watching Friday Night Lights today since I've exhausted by Netflix discs. I'll say more on that later but for now, here's a couple fun quotes:
"That's a rough row to hoe."
"Don't hate, accelerate."

Melodramatic missing someone song of the day: "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus

It was eerie trying to go to sleep last night. It was just so quiet and empty. I ended up waking up before my alarm, partially because Beesly felt the need to bark at every little noise.

I have decided to make a theme for tonight, because that's what one does when left a lone for a week. Perhaps if I give themes to my days it will slow the loss of sanity. Today's theme is "Assassins" because I'm watching Ninja Assassin and later I will be playing a new game called "Assassin's Creed II." I will also be assassinating my progress in losing weight by eating pizza. Not just any pizza! Store-brand BBQ recipe chicken pizza. The description on the box reads, "Add pizazz to pizza night with this sassy southern recipe!" I would be hard pressed to find a more awesome sounding description than that.

Ninja Assassin made the "Steph probably won't watch list" probably because of the graphic violence. So far, this was a good call. But there has been an awesome laundry room romance scene, reminiscent of Ross and Rachel on Friends. Except the chick was secretly a ninja and tried to kill the guy after pretending to ask for help folding a sheet. It didn't work out for her. So far I'm having trouble deciding whether this movie is about a ninja who is also an assassin, or about a guy who assassinates ninjas.

Remember how I described the abundance of frozen baked goods in the freezer? Well I may have made a fatal error. I've had it in mind to get a special treat for myself from the grocery store. So I came home with a giant tub of store-brand rainbow sherbet. (BTW, I totally thought that was spelled "sherbert" until a red squiggly line told me differently. So I had to wikipedia "sherbert" to verify. Sure enough, "sherbet" is an Americanized derivation of "sorbet." So I guess it should be pronounce "sher-bay," which means I have not only been spelling it wrong, but saying it wrong, too.) Anyway, the sherbay tub was too big and so I had to empty and rearrange the entire freezer.

The ninja guy is practicing with a weapon that is basically a really sharp knife at the end of a metal chain. Definitely not something Steph could watch without hiding her face for 90% of the movie.

I'm gonna finish this movie and have a sherbay float. Look for more stream of consciousness commentary on my life in the near future.

Upbeat Seattle-related song having nothing to do with ninjas or assassins for the day: "Hello Seattle" by Owl City

Today I dropped my wife off at the airport. She is visiting friends in Seattle for a week and I’m left here alone in my bachelorhood. To her credit, she put a great deal of thought and effort into this in order to ensure that I would be taken care of this week. She made and froze a whole mess of muffins and cinnamon rolls for breakfasts throughout the week. She even offered to make meals and casseroles, but I declined, mainly out of my indecision over which of her amazing meals she should leave behind. It ended up being a good thing because our freezer is already over stuffed with homemade breakfast goods and pizzas that I knew I would need to survive.

I had a fairly productive afternoon, despite being somewhat moody over the absence of my wife. I finally got the registration done for my car after a quick and painless trip to the DMV. The lady who helped me was actually proactively trying to make sure I didn’t have to come back and that this trip was a success. I would gladly approve of anyone at that DMV being nominated for sainthood.

I came home to two Netflix movies in the mail and a happy yet confused puppy. Oh, and also in the mail- a thank you card. From my wife. For being awesome. How incredibly amazing is that? Of course this did not solve the problem of me missing her terribly. The poor dog immediately began looking for Steph as soon as she was released. Beesly was visibly distraught when she realized that I was alone. I know, Beesly. I know.

So for my first evening alone I enjoyed a very fancy meal consisting of….mac n cheese. Powered cheese-like product and all. Classy, I know. I am currently watching Halo Legends.

Back up, let me explain the Netflix situation first.

So we have a very long queue on our Netflix. Most of them are things we both want to watch, but there were a few on there that only interest me. This week is my opportunity to clear some of these options off the list. This task was surprisingly difficult since we really have grown to have similar tastes in movies. Well, it’s more like she’s come to appreciate my taste in movies. Since we’ve been together I have nerdified her alot. She's into all these sci-fi shows and knows random movie trivia, and she's even been known to play a video game at times. That being said, everyone has a limit. So now is the time for me to watch the few things that she would not enjoy. Halo Legends is a collection of seven animated short films. Anime-style animated films. Based on a video game. As much of a nerd as my wife has become, this would just be too much for her to handle/stay awake through. I, on the other hand, am pretty much geeking out.

Well tonight will be the first attempt to sleep in a giant bed alone, hope it works out for me.

Angsty melodramatic song for the day: “Seattle” by The Classic Crime, because the music seems to fit my mood and my wife happens to be going to Seattle.

As I have said before, one of my favorite places in Washington, D.C. is the Theodore Roosevelt Island. It's a lovely memorial situated on a gorgeous island. It's a little off the beaten path, but definitely worth it. We were able to visit a little bit when Alyson was here, but I knew I was going to want to come back and spend a lot of time soon.

We made the time to come out on Saturday as part of our Project 52 Dates. I made us a yummy picnic (full of a ton of yummy baked treats) and we headed out Saturday afternoon. Since the park allows pets, we thought we'd make an exception and bring Beesly along as well.

As soon as we entered the island, we wandered down one of the trails...and then quickly wandered into the wilderness.

My wife is hilarious, and here are a couple of recent examples.

Yesterday I was heading to the store to pick up some things after work. Steph calls and informs me that there is a yellow jacket in our bedroom and that she has trapped it in there.

"Well what do you want me to do about it?" I ask.
"I can't go in our bedroom because it will sting me," she says.
"Well just leave it there and I'll take care of it after I run to the store. Unless they learned how to open doors, then I think you'll be fine."
"......but that's what they said about the velociraptors!!!"
Nerd wife FTW

This morning during our traditional pancake breakfast I decided to be sweet and make her a heart-shaped pancake. It wasn't Louvre-worthy, but it was identifiable as a heart and she liked it. So we sat down to eat and we each picked out the pancakes to put on our plates.
"Where's my heart pancake?.....there it is!"
She proceeds to pull the heart-shaped pancake from the stack and part of the pancake breaks off.
"It's broken!" she says.
"Yeah I noticed it starting to crack when I took it off the skillet." I reply.
"You broke my heart."
"I know, I'm sorry I broke your heart."
"It's okay," she says. "I'll just fix my heart with butter."

My wife is adorable.

Wednesday, David came home and announced that he had been chosen as the DC Youth Villages Counselor of the Month! I am so proud of him and all the hard work he's put in and I wanted to be able to brag on him a bit.

He's only been working at YV for 6 months and has been told on several occasions how great he is doing. He also received a glowing review from his supervisor during his 6-month Evaluation. He cares so much about his clients and works so hard. It's obvious he really loves the work he's doing.

As a reward, he received an iTunes gift card {yay for new Muse CDs!} and is being 'featured' this month at his office.

I'm so excited for this first {of many} work-related praises and can't wait to see what the next 6 months bring!

My dear, sweet friend Alyson came into town of Friday afternoon to spend the weekend. I was ecstatic all the way to the airport and had barely slept the night before. I hadn’t seen Aly since her wedding last May, so it was GREAT to spend time with her!

We had a quick bite at TGI Friday’s and then headed to Teddy Roosevelt Island to do a little sight-seeing. When I came to DC my senior year of high school, this was my favorite monument, and I was so excited to see it in the spring.

Afterward, we decided that Alyson needed to see the Cherry Blossom since it was the Festival.
There were SO many people, but it was well worth it. The blossoms were beautiful and I was happy to share them with my husband and my sweet friend.
We even passed the ‘Tulip Library’ on our walk. Tulips are my favorite and it was so neat to be able to see such a variety.



We also went to the Holocaust Museum and saw the Special Exhibit on Nazi Propoganda as well as the special Children’s exhibit. They were all wonderful, but no photos were allowed.

The rest of the weekend was spent relaxing around our apartment and having a lot of girl-talk time. {David was very patient to put up with us all weekend}. There is nothing better than having quality time with a friend!